Supporting children’s big emotions

At times, the speed that children’s behaviour can be overtaken by those big emotions can come as quite a surprise for parents. 

One minute everything is pretty normal, and suddenly, something that seems pretty insignificant for Mum or Dad, becomes a full blown, down on the ground, legs flailing temper tantrum. For others, they can see the warning signs brewing that their little one is about to have a temper tantrum of epic proportions, but are not sure how to prevent it.  

Understanding what is going on and more importantly, knowing how to deal with those parenting moments is a big part of moving from frustrated to confident as a parent; not to mention a happier one.  

Small children can, and do, have big emotions. Learning how to cope with big emotions and new social situations takes time and lots of practice for little ones to become masterful. 

Putting children’s behaviours into perspective; understanding what is going on and learning some simple, effective strategies goes a long way to taking the frustration out of these challenging moments.
 

There are a few basic things to remember in understanding children’s behaviours that can help keep things in perspective. These include:

Developmental immaturity

Remembering that young children are still developmentally immature. This may seem obvious, but it’s important to recognise that young children are inexperienced and sometimes they just don’t have a sophisticated understanding of how the world works.

It's also important to recognise that what parents and adults are asking young children, with limited life experience, is hard work for children.

It shouldn’t surprise us then when children become overwhelmed with what we are asking of them and of the way they are feeling, when confronted with complex social situations. Asking a three-year-old to share a much-loved toy with someone else is a really hard thing for some children to do.  Yet many adults don’t take the time to recognise just how difficult this is for young children.

Put into adult perspectives, how many of us would readily hand over our car keys to a complete stranger, simply because we were asked to?

That doesn’t mean parents just need to accept challenging behaviours.  There are a few things to understand and some simple strategies that help children (and parents) navigate those wonderful turbulent years between toddlerhood and middle childhood.

Check basic needs aren’t the problem.

Make sure your child’s behaviour is not because their basic needs are not being met. Children who are tired, hungry, or unwell cope less well than when these things are not an issue.

A basic need that children also need is ‘time in relationships’, and connecting with the important people in their lives, like parents.

Sometimes children’s acting out behaviours are the unhelpful ways that children will use to meet this need. It is helpful to ensure parents are taking the time just to 'be' with their children rather than wait until they 'have to be' present to deal with a challenging behaviour.

Children’s need, to be in connection with their families and loved ones, vary from one child to the next, but certainly it is worth reflecting to make sure you are being present and engaged in the moments with your children when ever you can be.

Have realistic expectations.

Have you considered what type of young adult you hope your child will become? Of course, most parents say they want their children to be independent, resilient, responsible etc.

These are all learned skills; skills that take lots of practise to become good at. Have you ever considered what independence looks like at three? What does responsibility look like at four?

As children experiment with the very skills and attributes their parents want most for them, it can look quite different to what it will eventually become.

When your three-year-old is frustratingly demanding “Me do it, me do it!” it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that this is the building block of independence.

Your four-year-old’s attempt to clean their room, tidy up their own belongings or feed the cat, may not look exactly the way you intend them to look, but their initially clumsy attempts at managing such tasks, will assist in developing the skills for managing much more complex forms of responsibility, independence and resilience into their future.

The good news is there are a few simple things that you can do to help ‘teach’ your child the finer points of the socially responsible behaviours that most parents want for their children.

If we change out the notion of controlling or managing children’s poor behaviour to one of getting in front of the game, and actively teaching your children the skills to manage social situations well, we are well on the way to great outcomes for children and parents.

Make sure your expectations are made clear to children.

Often parents slip up when they assume children understand the expectations they have of them.

It is very common for children to have a different understanding of expectations than parents assume.

For example, a parent’s idea of tidying up the room can be very different to a child’s understanding of what ‘tidy’ means.

Making sure that parents are very clear and precise about what they mean can make a really big difference. For example, instead of asking a child to, “Tidy up their room”, be explicit.  “Matthew, can you go into your room and put your toys in the toy box, your dirty clothes in the wash basket in the laundry and your shoes in your wardrobe; thankyou.”

This gives the child a much clearer picture of what you actually want them to do and a much better chance of them being successful. 

Practice makes perfect.

Social behaviours are a learned skill and take time to get right.

If you have rules in your house, check that they are very clear and identify the behaviour you are trying to establish.

In checking if there might be room for your child to be unclear about what you mean, ask yourself does your child know what each rule or expectation: looks like, sounds like or feels like.

For example, does your child know what a ‘tidy room’ looks like by your standards, does your child understand what ‘being gentle’ with the baby feels like by your expectations, or does your child understand what ‘stop whinging’ really sounds like. If you’re not sure, that's a good place to start. 

Unpack your clear expectations, and practise what each looks like, sounds like or feels like with your child. In doing this you help the child build competencies in the right behaviours.

When things begin to go wrong you can remind them of what they are supposed to be doing. When you take the time to practise the desired behaviour with them you (and they) have a better chance of being able to correct behaviour when it begins to deteriorate.

For example when your three-year-old begins to whinge, you can say, “Uh-oh: Remember, we use our big girl voice; what does that sound like?”.

You can practise your preferred behaviour (also called a target behaviour) by making a game out of the practise.

Young children are hard wired for play and games, so it’s a natural vehicle to practise these important social skills.

Pretend to be getting ready for kindy, going to the shops, eating dinner, playing with the baby, playing nicely while Mum is on the phone. 

This allows your child to try out the new, better, behaviours at a time when there is no pressure and everyone is calm. This gives the child a much better chance of using the right behaviour when it really counts.

Often parents get caught in a ‘behavioural dance’, with children; repeating the same pattern of ‘behaviour and response’, over and over; even when it’s not working.

Not surprisingly, parents become frustrated and often feel a sense of guilt, and in the meantime children are not able to learn to replace a challenging behaviour with better options.

Feeling guilty is demoralising for parents and unnecessary.

If we think about children learning social behaviours in the same way we think about any other type of learning (such as reading and math), we can begin to put children’s behaviour and the parent’s role in supporting the learning into better perspective.

Shifting gears to become proactive about guiding and teaching social skills to young children is an empowering approach for parents and ultimately, and more importantly, more helpful for young children as they learn to negotiate the complex social world around them.